)))

This has grown tiresome.
I've got the feeling
this will end soon.
I don't know how I'll handle it.
Yes, yes I do.

Murderer

One more thing before I go
One more thing I'll ask you lord
If you need a murderer
Someone to do your dirty work

Don't act so innocent
I've seen you pound your fist into the earth
And I've read your book
It seems that you could use another fool
Well I'm cruel
And I look right through
You must have more important things to do

So if you need a murderer
Someone to do your dirty work

__

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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I loved you more when I thought you were dead.
You took my words. You were offended.
You were the hands wrapped tight 'round my neck.
The girl who killed me was the one I depended.


I thought that months ago,
I got over it,
& now I am back to it.

I guess that wasn't the closure I thought it was.
I guess this wasn't either.

^^^^

For those few seconds,
you were gone for good,
and you know what?

I was actually happy.
I was content.

All in all,
this stories grown old,
but I don't think I can abandon it.
Not without your help.

I don't regret that,
not in the least.
But then again,
I am posting this here & not there.

Birds

perfection
you seek perfection
the perfect words
you'll never find them
the perfect bird
you'll never find him

rejection
you'll feel rejection
in perfect words
they'll always find you
from perfect birds
they'll always find you

dissection
suffer dissection
your perfect bird
she will confide you
your perfect bird
and still deny you

direction
you'll seek direction
the perfect words
they'll never find you
the perfect bird
she'll never mind you

* * *

I don't know what to believe anymore.
There is so much.
You changed your mind.

| | | | ||| |||

You have no idea how alone I am.
How absolutely,
positively alone I am.
It's crushing me.
I think my heart could stop.
It's so heavy.

(((2

And it's beautiful to know,
you're just a dream,
and I'm done sleeping.




hahah, how cliche,
no really,
I'm fine.

a kind of closure

It's done,
I don't love you,
and I'm so happy,
but at the same time,
it's still a bit sad.

A monster.
I am a monster.
Without you there,
the monster will keep growing,
and it just might kill me.

But still,
I'm so happy,
and just a bit sad.
I don't love you.
I don't love anyone.

I wish I loved someone.

(((1

It's beautiful to know,
and to feel,
even though it's a lie.

It's a beautiful lie,
but we'll live,
though you won't be here to live it.

It's beautiful that you're alive,
and I'm alive,
even if it's only 4 more minutes.

________

I don't even know.
When I see you,
I think I will.

I had a dream.
In it I held you.
we were together,
and we were whole.

I'd never been happier.
I wish it were real.

___

It's amazing
how fast things went from
beautiful
to
absolute
shit.

I genuinely want to die.

Just one fucking photograph.

I haven't felt like this
for some while,
but now I'm ready.

This isn't poetry.
This isn't some kind of metaphor.
God damn this is real.

////

That's so sad
Please tell me it will be alright
I'll know you're lying

= = =

It's been over a year.

It's going to be a lot longer.

<<<

I don't believe you,
you're a liar.

I know I am,
and if we're as alike as I think we are,
and as you think we are,
you are a liar too.

I don't believe you,
and I don't think you believe yourself.

I know I don't,
and I'm sure you lie to yourself constantly,
I'm almost certain you do,
because that's what I do too.

If we're parallel,
and we're both alien,
then how could anything you've said be true?

I don't believe you,
you're a liar.
And you are lying to me.
That's what I believe is true.

$$$

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do anymore.
I can usually tell,
but now I can't.

listen:

I've never kissed a girl.
I thought I would tell you this.

I think it's kind of sad,
but it's not that sad.

Why would I tell you this,
you're a complete stranger,
or maybe you're a close friend.

It doesn't matter,
I'm going to delete this immediately.
Maybe I won't.
I probably will.

))))

I'm just tired of being

I need someone to be alone with.

When winter comes
I'm going to be cold
all by myself.

-- -- --

If we can stick to the story,
the worst is yet to come.

At most we're only halfway through,
and it's only begun to get dark.

I hope it stays dark forever,
& I hope the worst isn't over.

If we can stick to the story,
then I think I can tell where we are.

And if I'm reading it right,
I think I'm starting to hate you.

I really wish it weren't true,
but I think I'm starting to hate you.

Your emotions

make you

a monster.

~ ~ ~

I think we could be happy.
I really wouldn't be,
but you would think I was.
I would think I so too,
I can be pretty gullible,
but you must be as well.
That was mean,
but I can be terribly cruel.
Maybe I should stop.
I think we both should stop.
I think we all should stop.
Lets all just be happy.
I think we could be happy.

Down IV

Things are so different.

I needed reminder of who I am.

It seems like things changeing

was the best way to get it.

Moments like these are so fleeting,

and I’m too slow to even meet them.

So here I am,

and when winter comes,

things won’t be different.

They’ll still be changeing

much too fast for me to keep up,

but at least it will be cold.

,, ,, ,,

My tuition is unpaid

and I’ve been dropped from all my classes.

My job is run by morons

and no I’m unemployed once again.

My best friends are all gone

and I’ve been left all alone.

Life has gone to complete and utter shit

and I feel strangely content.

> > >

I've a foul taste in my mouth,
no drink to wash it out.
That's alright,
I can ignore it

The future is unsure,
but it's not as bad,
as I had thought before.
Not quite so bleak,
just a little more hope
for myself and a few others.
I'm not sure where this is going.
That's alright.
I hope I can leave soon.
I hope I can sleep soon.
I hope I can find out where this is going.
I'm feeling quite tired.
That's alright.
It means I can sleep.

The future is unsure,
that's alright,
I can ignore it.




This rhymed for a bit.
I thought that was funny.

~ ~ ~

For a few brief moments,
I could see everything with a clarity
I've never known before.

Now that moment is over,
and everything has been enveloped
in a thick dark haze.

Moments of clarity are fleeting at best,
but for those few brief seconds
I could truly say;

everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt

^ ^ ^

Now I've found out that
I was not as alone as I had come to believe.
I always said
I don't know what I'm doing anymore,
I never knew
what I was doing
to begin with.

Finally, I do know what I'm doing here;
I'm waiting.

It's been six months now,
and I know it could be six more
before everything is right,
but that's fine.
I'll wait until I can find you
wherever you are,
and tell you what I need to tell you.
I just hope by the time I find you,
it's not too late.

` ` `

I'm not sure what I'm doing here anymore.
Is there really even a point in staying?
I don't know who I'm writing this for.
Of course I do but they'll never see it.
I've been feeling ever so tired,
I think I may sleep for a while.
Maybe when I awaken there will be someone here.
No, there won't.
I don't know why I'm writing this at all.
Of course I do, but I'll still say I don't.
Lying to myself seems like the best thing to to now.
I think I may go to bed now.
My stomach feels upset.
Whatever happened to everyone anyway?
I guess they all got tired too.
Maybe I'm just late.
Maybe they're all waiting.
I sure hope so.
I know they aren't,
but lying to myself seems like the best thing to to now.
Maybe I'll just keep doing that.
Maybe I'll just go to sleep.

###

I wish I could go back,
and go through everything that's happened
since August.
Change everything that's gone wrong,
regardless of how they've changed me.
Now you're gone,
where I don't know.
I'm sure you're fine,
but I still assume the worst.
I'll check the newspaper for your name,
and I'll be relieved not to find it,
but I'll still feel uneasy not knowing where you are.
I'm sorry,
&
I miss you.

Violence

The games grew old, but still you tried us.
You forced the thorns deeper inside us.
Warm beads, unbroken heads were denied us.
Cold nights and bloody fights you'd provide us.
You asked for whom she cared, she cried "us".
With false love and hope you tried to bribe us.

You showed your love for me with violence.
So I return your love through silence.

. . .

I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I wish I could just end this right here and now
Aren't you just so unbearably sad,
so unimaginably lonely?
My favourite line I've ever read was this;
"everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt"
I wish it were true.
But I seem to find myself thinking the opposite.
"nothing was beautiful, and everything hurt"
I wish there were someone left to read this.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
I love you.
I hate you.
Who are you?
I don't know who you are.
I've forgotten you're face.
I want to know,
Aren't you just so unbearably sad?
Please tell me
I'm not alone.

||| ||| |||

Everything I do, I do for a reason,
because I am not human.
I am a machine. A simple machine.
More simple than a pulley, lever, or a wedge.
The simplest machine there is,
but also them most inefficient,
because everything I do
turns out wrong in the end.
But what happens when
the batteries die,
the blood stops running,
and the pistons stop pumping?
Maybe that's what this machine was built for,
not beginnings, but endings.

+++

Lately I've been feeling a bit
normal
which doesn't say much.
But I've been a bit
manic
and can't bite my tongue.

Lately I've been losing my faith in
humanity
not that I've had much anyway.
But when I see these men so hellbent on
fucking
and the women who allow it,
I feel a bit
sick
and wonder where the world is going.

I don't know where this is going,
I've just been want to say
peoples' constant fixation on copulation
is fucking disgusting.

[] [] []

Every time I hit the bottom
I think, "this is the lowest I've ever been"
Then the floor drops out from beneath me
And I fall even further down
In two months I'll be leaving my good friends
In five the best will be leaving me
Then it really will be me all alone
In this hole with no floor

{ { {

That's it
I'm done
I thought it could get better
I was wrong
I don't know what I'm going to do
I wish I could just drive until I'm gone
But I'll still be here

// // //

Paul called me and told me he was worried about me.
He said I'm not acting like myself, and he asked if I needed to talk.
That makes me sad,
and it makes things worse.
I'm on the verge of something,
and I don't think I'm ever going to be the same again.
My friends are going to stop waiting for me to come back.
They'll get sick of hearing my silence and they'll leave me.
I don't know what to do.
Things can't go back to the way they were before,
but if they keep going the way they are now I'll never be happy.
I may have been let down by the people I love,
but I can never let down the people who love me.

..'..

I've been trying to write, but I always stop myself before I post.

Hopefully I'll do something good enough for myself soon.

But anything I do post isn't really writing.

They're just my thoughts in text.

Lastly, I think everyone

should listen

to some

Low.





Then everyone would be cool.